Alone

That one word describes how I have felt the last few days. I thought I was handling everything well...boy was I wrong. The end of this week has been pure hell on me. Two tearful breakdowns on the boss because I have been sucking at my job lately (thankfully I have a wonderful boss who lays down the law and comes up with a plan to help me overcome it, then asks me what is wrong otherwise and lets me get it all out of my system).

The person I had attached myself to after my divorce, I don't think will be there anymore, not in the way he has been for the past while. He has his own issues and things he is working through, and I'm pretty sure they are leading him in the direction he needs to go, unfortunately, its in the opposite direction from me. I wish him all the luck in the world with what he is going through.

So for the first time, I am actually having to deal with this alone. That is a scary word and I don't like it one little bit. I'm a person who likes to be happy, to help others, to be surrounded by friends, but being an hour or more from all but 3 or 4 of my friends makes that kind of hard. Those friends that are close have been through recent life changes (aka - new baby) so there time and availability are limited. None of which I am complaining about, just saying.

My family is there, but its not what I need. I need someone who will let me cry on their shoulder with no judgment on what decisions I have made. Someone who will offer advice, and not get mad when I don't take it. Someone to just lay on the couch with and watch tv.

I guess I'm longing for what I had. The comfort of knowing there is someone at home that's got your back no matter what, that will welcome you with a hug no matter what has happened.

So now I sit here in the dark, alone, watching tv, debating whether I want to bother fixing something to eat, and wondering, when will I stop feeling alone.

Tomorrow I will wake up and start trying to find my feet in the office again. Become what so many want me to be. Maybe the refocusing will help me, or maybe it will just distract me, who knows.

All I know is, I hate the word alone.